call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
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I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.