Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
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Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No