ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
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The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
What the dentist sees
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?