My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
You Might Also Like
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.