Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
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14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
The prophecy is fulfilled
Can’t, holding a grudge
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.