Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
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[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.