LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
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Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.