When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
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Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
Worth the read.
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
When does CPR become necrophilia?
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink