for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
You Might Also Like
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
Tony Hawk, age 6
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—