knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
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I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.