The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
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Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
We’ve come full circle
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat