I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
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I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
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