How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
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[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.