Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
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If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.