My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
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I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)