peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
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Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess