I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
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I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
I’m good, thanks.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around