Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
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When I grow up, I want to be 16
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim