Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
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There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?