[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
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“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”