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Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
Worth the read.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
The real reason evolution started..😂
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
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