Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
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LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.