“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
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Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.