Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
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“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
Meth is short for Elizameth.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
we’re dead?
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…