I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
You Might Also Like
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol