Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
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Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
doing some research
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.