The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
You Might Also Like
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?