I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
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Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
Hotels are back
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.