My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
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Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear