Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
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They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.