Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
You Might Also Like
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.