[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
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17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
Everyone’s family
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else