8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
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Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”