Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
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one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff