me adding lol on a serious message
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“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
when nothing goes right… go left
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.