My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
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been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
But wait…
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”