[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
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Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done