This forever.
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ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.