If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
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Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY