If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
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Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
wait.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore