Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
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Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.