“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
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[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.