Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
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The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
opening twitter today
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty