Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
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Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Just me?
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.