I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
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Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.