me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
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Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.