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I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”