Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
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Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her