Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
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*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Most fashion shows these days…
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit