I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
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ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
My diet starts in January
of 2027
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.